RETURN TO SINGLEDOM OR COUPLEHOOD FOREVER?

I may not fit the bill of the average single person because I have kids and am in a domestic partnership with my boyfriend of now more than 4 years, but I am unmarried and in civil society still very much a single person. Time was when I longed so much to be part of a couple, that ever elusive partnership with someone who not only pulled at your heartstrings but also stood for the same values and principles you stood for and who shared the same passions you had for things, someone who just totally GOT you, and still loved you. Is this a tough call? Idealistic ramblings and visions of happily ever after later we find ourselves jolted and awakened and dazed. Does such a man exist? Am I hoping for too much or am I settling for less?

It has happened to me, and I see it happen to friends. The never ending quest for that one single person. Brokens hearts and buckets of tears later we come together and look back..whatever happened to that couple whom we so adored and hoped our man would turn out to be like the guy in that relationship? He seemed to adore the very air she breathed, showered her with romantic surprises only one truly in love could think of, they just seemed enviable every time we saw them. They are now uncoupled, relationship turned sour, sworn enemies. We could only shake our heads and wonder "what the heck happened?" Our dream couple turned to dust. What the hell was in store for us? We could only hope, with our battle-weary hearts that we not ever meet the same fate.

True, my relationship has outsurvived theirs, it may not be the same romantic, frilly one they had, but it is one that is steady, constant. We bicker, we make up, we connect and yet have totally different beliefs in others that drives me up the wall, maybe same as my other idiosyncracies drives him up the wall too. But its safe and he is a great person and its uber comfortable and I can let my hair down. But...there is always that little "but" niggling at the back of my mind, and I ask the same question again, is couplehood all that its made out to be or is it just a dream we are programed to believe in? What has happened to the fierce, adventure seeking, grab the bull by the horns person I used to be? Driven into submission and branded "domesticized".

I sometimes long for the life I used to have, living by myself with my kids and just being able to do what I want without anyone to consider except my children. It felt as if I were more empowered then. Is this what couplehood has made me feel? Why can't I be in a relationship and still keep my independence. Am I in the wrong relationship or are my expectations too high? This must be the curse of the "single girl for too long"...you get used to living according to what you are used to, and when someone else claims your space you feel like you are crowded in and choked because you now not only have yourself to think of, you also have to consider someone else in your life who has a different set of expectations out of the relationship and on you as a person.

Nice cozy, safe, relationship or fierce, independent single life? Do you return to singledom or will it be couplehood forever?

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IS 40 THE NEW 30?

As I approach my 40th year it feels as though nothing has really changed with how I feel on the inside. People nowadays say that 40 is the new 30, maybe because 40-year-olds of now, are looking hotter than ever. Maybe its propaganda made by the 40-year-olds. Times surely have changed so much, there was a time when if someone told me they were 40, I would have the image of a way older woman. Now that I am almost-40, I wonder, do others view me that way? I feel I still have the heart and soul of a 30-year-old. Full of that expectancy that life will deal you out with roses and not lemons. Sure, been there, done that, coupled with a lot of lifes crippling moments but that does not faze me from seeking out my share of the pot of gold. Why should it, we are all alike in the universe's scheme of things, some just know how to ask for it.

All in all my life has been blessed, things have a habit of resolving itself, of getting better after they have been worse and as I look back I should not be complaining of whatever I have been dealt with. My going 40 years have taught me to have a resilient heart an an even more resilient spirit, ever hopeful, always looking out for the joy I can find. Not such a big deal turning 40, not as big a deal as others make it out to be, we are stronger, fiercer, bolder and that makes us beautiful and attractive because we are more secure in what we have. In this day and age, when 50 years olds act like they are 30 and 20 year olds act way older than their years, the divide has come to a close, we all just want the same thing, security, love and to live life without the boundaries of the past. Do I feel any different from when I was 30? Maybe experience-wise yes, but that hope is still there, the dreams are still burning, I still want to have it all.

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BLOGGOPHOBIA

I was just browsing some really great blogs and thought to myself, why not? I have always been hesitant to blog, somehow the idea of my thoughts being read by other people freaks me out, but then again, why not?

This is pretty new to me, well..not really. I used to love keeping diaries as a kid and as I grew up I would fill in thoughts about things that had mattered to me at that moment. I has been a good 5 or more years since since I attempted to write anything down. Life had caught up with me...career, home, kids, love... struggling with everyday mundane activities. I've buried who I really am, and what I really want to do. And now it seems vestiges of that person is trying to break loose.

So here I am, my first blog, I wanted to blog about a specific subject but I really can't stick to one subject, so lets just go with the flow. Tell me what it was like for you to blog for the first time? maybe that will help me get over my "bloggophobia" Hmmm..can I add that to wikipedia?

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